We've always suspected that old things were the best, but now we know. Time to cancel those forthcoming reviews of Armada and Dragon's Gold. Next week, we'll be reviewing whist, football and tuberculosis.
[Montage of factory workers looking up from industrial machinery. Doctors and nurses looking up from their surgery. Soldiers locked in deadly hand-to-hand combat, who freeze and turn to face the camera as one.]
I’ve played a new board game and it’s really, really good!
[Amiable mumbling as factory workers loosen their aprons and turn to face the camera, doctors take five on the edge of the operating table as blood spurts into the air, soldiers dust one another off and sit cross-legged like toddlers.]
Mysterium is a co-op game of ghosts, murder and hilarious incompetence, in that order. All but one player is a psychic spending the night in a horrid house where a killing took place. The final player, who may not speak, is a ghost sending everyone else horrible dreams. The ghost must guide the psychics to the correct murder weapon, crime scene and culprit before the week is over, or... well, I’m not sure. Maybe the psychics have concert tickets. It doesn't matter, and you won't care. You'll be laughing too much and thinking too hard.
“What are you doing?!” “Why did you do that?!” “WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!”
Or they’ll be the same sort of answers, which go like this:
“I’m helping!” “I have no choice!” “JUST TRUST ME.”
Or they’ll be the same end-of-round exasperation, the same old post-battle cry of Saboteur:
“I TOLD YOU SO.”
I guess Saboteur is something of a game of soundbites.
Is this town big enough for the both of 'em?
Sent abroad to set up SU&SD's (North) American office, with a rather unclear remit he also laments the limited nature of board game printings and distribution.
Silas: Yeeee-hawww! Let’s get to it.
Quinns: ...Who are you?
Silas: Ah’m Silas McCoy, a fictional character invented by that dirty Brendan fella fer his Colt Express review. Yeeee-hawww!
Quinns: Yeah, I don’t think so.
It's not just an excuse to dress up, not at all, and Matt actually has a very interesting story related to that.
It is an excuse to show you how to make gingerbread pears, perfect for any holiday season.
Brendan: I have heard of this feeling.
Pip: Is that what's happened with Shut Up and Sit Down with Paul in the US and Quinns off in Bali? And now we have to water the board games and take the cards to the vet?
Brendan: What? What are you doing with that watering can? Get away from the board games! Oh God, what have you done? Everything is all… mushy.
Pip: No no, it's fine, there are two left! Yardmaster and Paradise Fallen. We can still do a review of these and Paul won't do his disappointed face at us.
Brendan: I hate Paul’s disappointed face. It looks like Gary Oldman. Still, it’s kind of wet and cold in here now.
Paul: Oh! Sorry. I've been running around the undersea realm of Bruno Cathala's Abyss. Don't worry, though. Written reviews are rarely canonical so the carpet will probably be fine.
Paul: Well, it'll be fine in the canonical universe. After this review finishes our story will return to the SU&SD godhead and this reality will, in all likelihood, be erased.
Paul: You know, like how I killed you in our review of Descent 2nd edition.
Quinns: WHAT? But I've still got so much to live for! I wanted a wedding-
Paul: Life is full of surprises, and so is Abyss! Let me get these barnacles out of my ears and I’ll explain.
Supercomputer: Anomia. Latin origin. Meaning “without name”. Would you like me to run a simulation of the universe without names, nouns, pronouns, designa—
Brendan: No! I mean, no Supercomputer, but thank you. I just want to play this simple card game with someone. I’m sad that my friends left. You remember what we talked about? Sad? It’s an emotion.
Supercomputer: Runtime error. Do you mean when those called Paul Dean and Quintin Smith inexplicably abandoned you to become an accountant and a low cost assassin respectively? Reducing the number of your human friendship circle from 2 to 0?
Brendan: It’s not zero! Matt is still my friend.
Supercomputer: Initial and ongoing analysis of his facial expressions indicates that the one called Matt Lees regards you as subhuman and without merit. Would you like me to run a simulation of some friends?