Reviews 9 - Shut Up & Sit Down

RPG Review: Torchbearer

Hilary: Torchbearer is a dungeon-crawling role-playing game.

So what? There are a lot of dungeon exploration games in tabletop roleplaying. It’s the genesis of the genre, and most of the big tabletop RPGs people are familiar with are of this style. One of the things that differentiates Torchbearer is its heavy emphasis on the crawl. While other games are focused on getting loot, fighting monsters, and generally being completely badass adventurers, Torchbearer is about attempting to get loot and deal with monsters, while being completely worn down by the dungeon experience.

It turns out exploring dangerous unknown environments while lugging a bunch of heavy gear and trying to stay hydrated and rested and fed is really, really hard! It turns out there’s only so much space in your backpack and your habit of checking over every room you enter sometimes gets you into trouble and it’s hard to avoid getting cranky as all hell when you’ve been stuck wandering around dank passageways for hours without any snacks.

[It’s a classic SU&SD mid-Golden Week turnaround review! We couldn’t go a whole week without telling you guys what to buy, so here’s Matt Thrower talking about something thoroughly awesome.]

Thrower: Deckbuilding is the dampest squib in board gaming. Riding the crest of a hype wave, it promised to change the hobby forever, yet lead to only a bunch of mediocre efficiency engine titles. The only games in the genre to stand the test of time were Arctic Scavengers, which was truly excellent, and then Trains, which worked because it supplemented the cards with a board. But you know this, because Paul and Quinns already told you it was sexy enough to make them want to have babies.

Maybe that’s why Paul went to Canada.

Now, from the same publisher, we have the even sexier Automobiles. You know it’s sexier because you’ve seen all the sexy race cars in sexy film franchises like The Fast and the Furious. A film so sexy you can use its title as a double entendre. And when you flip through the cards in Automobiles, you’ll see they have sexy names like “Boost” and “Supercharged” instead of “Normal Train” or “Limited Train”.

Quinns: In (almost!) five years of running Shut Up & Sit Down we’ve always put the game first. We’ve fretted about player counts and waxed lyrical about themes. We’ve snapped apart mechanics like so many Lego bricks. So today, I hope you guys will indulge me in putting something else first.

Look. At. This. Flipping. Box.

I mean that literally. Knit Wit, the new game from Pandemic creator Matt Leacock, is opened with a flip-top magnetic catch at one end. But we’re just getting started.

Quinns: For this review, I want you to imagine blackjack in a blender.

Picture a table of spilled drinks and creased tuxedos. Picture a group of players all trying to go as high as possible without going bust, but there’s eight different hands going on at once, anyone can claim any hand as “theirs”, and you’re all the dealer, there are no turns and you can play as fast as you like. Oh, and none of you can see anything. Except when you can.

Does that sound like fun? Of course it does. Let’s talk about Richard Garfield’s new game, Greedy Greedy Goblins.

[Oh my goodness, so many words! Following on from writer Chris Thursten’s awesome article about his first X-Wing tournament, he’s back with seven separate, hilarious reviews of X-Wing’s newest ships.

Chris: As of March, the latest round of expansions for Fantasy Flight’s enormously popular spaceship miniatures game, X-Wing, is finally and fully here. The first – er – wave of Wave 8 arrived in December, so a few of these ships and cards have had longer to bed in than others. Even so, it’s time to round the lot of them up and force them to answer hard questions, like: WHAT DO YOU BRING TO THE GAME? WHY ARE YOU NICE? WHY DO I FEEL COMPELLED TO OWN YOU? And: IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE FOR THE SAME WAVE TO ARRIVE TWICE? WOULD THAT NOT MAKE IT TWO SEPARATE WAVES, LIKE, IN BOTH A MARITIME AND A PHILOSOPHICAL SENSE?

The answer to that last one is evidently ‘yes’, by the way. Haha! Eat it, Heraclitus!

Quinns: You know double-yolk eggs? Those rarest of treasures that whisper “It’s all going to be ok” up from the pan? Well, today you get a double-review! Enclosed within the brittle shell of this article are not one, but TWO of the greatest card games we’ve ever played, full of fatty fun and caloric goodness.

Please ensure your credit card is secured in your official SU&SD fast-draw holster before continuing. We’re serious. These games are very, very good.

[We were so happy with Eric Tonjes’ work introducing us to miniatures games with his reviews of Infinity, Dropzone Commander, Warmachine, Malifaux and the Batman Miniatures Game that when we heard about a new, very special minis game we had to get him back.]

Eric: I’ve spent the last few months working those pectorals and drenching myself in olive oil. Why? So that I can now sit shirtless at my computer for a proper review of Arena Rex.

Paul: True story: I got in trouble for sewing once when I was six years old. I wasn’t supposed to be sewing because, apparently, sewing is not a thing that a man does. That seems a little strange since I have definitely met some tailors who were men and whose helpful craft meant I wasn’t instead stumbling naked through life. Anyway, being thus steered from sewing surely explains why I’m not as good as I should be at Patchwork.

And it’s such a shame because I want to be better at it. I’m sure I could. I’m certain I’m on the verge of some sort of needlework breakthrough, of a real understanding of petite, precise Patchwork. I cannot stop now. I must master this splendid, splendid challenge. This flat, unassuming and apparently drab affair is so much more than it seems. Do not underestimate its prosaic presentation.

Quinns: Since Matt and I reviewed the completely excellent Arboretum I’ve been filled with a fervor not seen since I started snaffling up Netrunner expansions. Arboretum, it turns out, is just one entry in a whole line of “deluxe card games” from Z-Man Games, all of which come in identical-sized boxes.

In the last two weeks I went full magpie and bought almost all of them.

Matt: Diamonds and bananaaas!

They will slip you up, and please you

They can stimulate and tease you

Bring icecream in the night

and I promise I might DESSERT YOUUU

Quinns: Bananas are forever,

Hold one up and then caress it,

Touch it, stroke it, and undress it,

I can see every part,

And I know in my heart they’re GOOD CAAARDS!

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-BABA!

RPG Review: Torchbearer

Review: Automobiles

Review: Knit Wit

Review: Greedy Greedy Goblins

Review: X-Wing’s Eighth Wave of Expansions!

Double Feature: Parade & Incan Gold

Review: Arena Rex

Review: Patchwork

Review: Archaeology: The New Expedition

Review: Mombasa

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