Quinns: Good news everyone! This morning I wrote 1,000 words of Games News in the SU&SD backend and then accidentally hit Ctrl+F5, erasing it from existence.
Writing it all again would be heartbreaking, so I turn to you guys, the best community in the business. I’m going to link to six stories, and if one of you wants to write it up in an informative yet funny SU&SD style, just do so in a comment and I’ll paste you into the article proper and attribute it with your handle!
Try not to put us to shame, and GOOD LUCK!
By reader Jason Giardino
Jason: Quinns! War of the Ring is getting an expansion!
Quinns: That’s great! Wait, who the hell are you?
Jason: I’m Jason. I’m one of your biggest fans in America.
Quinns: Why am I talking to you?
Jason: You’re not. It’s a writing device we’re using to talk about the exciting expansion for War of the Rings, Warriors of Middle-Earth. By the way, your nose is bleeding.
Quinns: Never mind that! You’re saying there’s an expansion for BGG’s 14th ranked game of all time? But isn’t it out of print?
Jason: That’s the best part! It’s being reprinted in August 2015, with the expansion coming the following November.
Quinns: Yeah, but they’re not going to have fighting trees, are they? I really want fighting trees.
Jason: There will be fighting trees! Ents, Great Eagles of the Misty Mountains, Giant Spiders! They’re just not cards anymore! They’re essential playable figures! Because clearly the 205 figures that come with the base game aren’t enough!
Quinns: Well, that’s fantastic news. And to come from such a well-spoken handsome fan.
Jason: Oh, imaginary Quinns, you say the nicest things.
By reader Jagrafess
A new expansion for Eclipse is coming! After fooling everyone with a ‘hilarious’ April Fools joke about turning everyone’s favourite Finnish 4Xer into a dexterity game, it turns out the expansion is real and is coming sometime later this year – albeit without the option of flicking tiny starships at each other or destroying planets by dropping cubes on them, cackling wildly.
Which some might feel is a shame, really. We’re not here to judge.
Shadows of the Rift will add a whole host of rare technologies, developments and discoveries, as well as Time Distortion(!) and Anomalies(?). Details are a bit thin on the ground, but if you enjoyed Eclipse, plasma cannons on standby.
By reader R McMillan
A hip dude walks in on you whilst a room of people takes guesses at whether your facial expression more closely resembles doge or Vladmir Putin (though it is clearly a facial representation of “Lady Lazarus” by Sylvia Plath, how could you give a more obvious hint).
“What are you playing?” he says with words like he’s stuck in the first round.
“Monikers” comes the resounding reply of facial expressions.
“Heh” He smirks to himself. “Monikers? Monikers Shmonikers“. Everybody gasps, a reaction which thankfully only requires your face. He’s not stuck in the first round, he’s on the next level. The man slowly takes off his socks and starts communicating with only his toes:
The Kickstarter, already successful (with a modest goal of $500), for the standalone expansion to ‘Monikers’ promises not only another pleasant looking box and 112 new cards, but also new rules. Which, I assume, means additional rounds. Which, I assume, will be utterly and gloriously absurd. There was a certain joy to the build up of ridiculousness in the original and this new expansion looks to extend that horizontally with the new cards and vertically with new rounds. Certainly something to consider and for $10, why not?
The man’s feet take a bow and drop an imaginary microphone.
By reader Urahara
Melee, by Coup creator Rikki Tahta, looks like a wargame about warring armies, but really it’s about money and time.
With only 4 seasons and 5 actions to win this war, you better get down to the battlefield, but you need money to hire troops, and you need to pay them to move and fight. That measly income you get each season won’t win this war on its own, soldier! You better get to the front and start winning fights, because before you know it Jools Holland’s Hootenanny will be on the TV.
Down at the battlefront, we don’t fight with cards, dice or with bullets. We fight with money (no, not throwing it at each other, stop that Quinns). Each attack costs money, and the attacker can secretly choose how much they pay. Paying more wont get this lazy troops to fight more, but if the defending player can guess how much the troops are being paying, they’ll run off in shame with their ill gotten gains.
If you’re interested in winning this war, maggots, the kickstarter is live now! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find the traitors who ran off with my money…
By reader Jacob Tierney
Fantasy Flight is about to unleash a shambling, plastic horde of unspeakable horrors upon us. Endless creatures beyond mortal understanding have come with an insatiable hunger to devour all that is within your wallet… and your very soul. In other news, they’ve also announced an Undead faction for Battlelore 2nd Edition.
It looks like two army packs will bring skeletons and whatnot to 2013’s game of fantasy warfare, though the ranks of the formerly-living will surely swell with inevitable future expansion. FFG is also peddling promotional kits so shopowners can proudly show off the lovely little creatures that will soon consume us all.
By reader clg6000
Silas: Weehaaaw! Howdy Pardners! Lookee here, it’s me, Silas McCoy! I’m back!
Quinns: Ummm…waitaminute, there…pardner. I thought I…
Silas: Shot me dead in yer last review of Doomtown: Reloaded? That’s right, son, you shot me point blank in the back, and left me to die like a dog on the middle of this godforsaken haunted town.
Quinns: Uh…yes, well. You might be slightly misremembering, there, Silas…old pal. (…where did I put that damned revolver…?!)
Silas: …aw, no hard feelings here, chum. Ever since they started minin’ ghost rock, Death ain’t the handicap it used to be.
Quinns: …you don’t say? Well, Silas, I’m glad to hear we’re still…em, friendly-like?…since I do have something here especially for you. It’s a preview of a card in the forthcoming “No Turning Back” Saddlebag pack that AEG gave to Shut Up & Sit Down.
Really though, how does AEG expect me to render my considerable insight on their game if they keep releasing all these expansions? There’s what, 5 Saddlebags and 1 Pine Box worth of cards to use for deckbuilding in this Weird West wonder of a game? I’ve barely had time to rez all my new netrunner ICE, much less sift through this mountain of cowboy-themed content.
Silas: Well, now, don’t get yerself all in a tizzy. …I ain’t mentioned nothin’ about us bein’ friendly-like. And we don’t appreciate that cutesy alliteration talk around here. *raises his sixshooter level with Quinns’ head*
Quinns: uh…yeah, well…heh heh…sorry, it’s really just a literary device to draw attention to—wait, is your dialect Generic Cowboy or just bad Firefly?
Silas: Never mind the fancy yammer, time to meet your maker—
Paul (distractedly bursting through the entrance of the SUSD saloon swinging doors): Howdy there pardner! I mean Quinns! Did you see what came in the mail today? I know how excited you are about Doomtown:Reloaded, and we just got this exclusive preview…
Silas: …who in Sam Hill are you?
Paul: …not sure exactly how this game works at all, but this looks rather powerful—some sort of Asyncoil Gun weapon? *absentmindedly points the card towards Silas*
Quinns: …BOOT! *dives behind the SUSD saloon bar*
*Paul looks shocked as the card glows briefly, turns 90 degrees, and emits a large blast of energy right into Silas’s face*
Silas: Tah mah duh hwoon dahn! *turns to ashes*
Paul: *drops the card and adjusts his cowboy hat* …Quinns, what…in tarnation…(am I using that right?) was that? It seemed dangerous.
Quinns: Never you mind, pardner. …there was only a one in four chance it would have vaporized you.
Paul: Never tell me the odds. …sorry, wrong IP?
Quinns: It’s all the same, really. Let’s ride! HeeYAW! *jumps on a horse in front of the saloon and gallops out of town.*
Paul: …but what about the annual SUSD HQ Firefly costume ball? Quinns? And hey, why’re you rabble here in the games news thread?
Peartonians: *shrug* But Quinns said…
Paul: ….ah, well, “Quinns said”, I see. If Quinns told you to buy a copy of Settlers of Catan, would you do it?
Peartonians: *shake heads sheepishly*
Paul:…that’s what I thought. Get along now out of the thread, there’s chores to do.
Peartonians: *slink out, with drooping shoulders*
*cue end title music by Ennio Morricone*