Quinns: I might have just read too many Game of Thrones books, but this announcement seemed undercut with an amount of... intrigue.
Paul: What do you mean? MURDER?
Quinns: Oh god, no! Will you stop guessing that everyone's murdering one another?
Paul: OH MY GOD I’M BACK.
Quinns: OH MY GOD.
Paul: Did I miss anything while I was aw-
Quinns: ONLY THE GIGANTIC RISING SUN KICKSTARTER, THE CAMPAIGN FOR THE GRIZZLED, THE BIG NEWS ABOUT RUNE WARS AND THIS CRAZY NEW MUSIC MIXING GAME.
Paul: …Were you eating properly while I was gone?
It's happy hour, so we're going to start out with a double news on the rocks. The nonsense-mongers at Hasbro have just unveiled two new games. Speak Out: Kids vs Parents is a familial evolution of their game Speak Out, both of which feature your team trying to work out what the hell you're saying while you wear a dentist's cheek retractor.
Doesn't that sound like a game we'd make up as part of a skit? I can only approve that Hasbro has made it a reality.
The press image for it (above) is freaking me out, though. The combination of Habro's clean-cut toy photography (which has always looked a little "uncanny valley" to me) with rictus grins is absolutely terrifying. Imagine coming downstairs and finding them in your living room. "WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME," bleats the mother, spraying spit across the room.
Speaking of maddening things, our top story this week is the above header image that was tweeted by BoardGameGeek. Looks boring, eh? WELL, you're actually looking at a prototype of Monolith's next project, Batman: The Board Game, and judging from the dice and stamina crystals it'll be an evolution of Conan, a miniatures game that this site loved to pieces.
This adaptation makes perfect sense! Conan's brutal choreography and breathless heroism would be perfect for Batman. But there's a problem that has me finding this announcement to be bittersweet.
Monolith's Kickstarters for Conan ($3.3 million) and then Mythic Battles ($2.6 million) have shown that they know how to run an exciting Kickstarter. Clearly, the page for Batman is going to make millions of dollars. But in addition to the sexism that's run across their games like an oil spill, in this pundit's opinion Monolith's been botching the post-release support that I've come to expect from expensive games.
I can’t say I’m ever likely to buy or play either of them, nor that I’m at all invested in the worlds of either of these entertainment giants, but I do see this as a wonderful way to bring different kinds of licensed games to more players, particularly families, beyond another bloody Monopoly, as well as for Czech Games to earn more well-deserved cash. If someone tells me, in twenty years, that they got into board games through trying to interpret obscure clues about Frozen characters, I’m going to be okay with that.
Okay, hold on, there is also comic potential here. I’m sure there’s all sorts of hilarious clues you can give if you want people to guess both a talking candlestick and a singing elephant, or something slightly sassy you can say about Spider-Man, Victoria Hand and Captain America. Maybe? I don’t actually know anything about comics. Is Garfield DC or Marvel?
How appropriate that, while Quinns takes a well-earned break on an unusual and unique Mediterranean island that I am not going to disclose the name of, I’m ready to tell you all about Valletta, a terrifically tempting game of jaunty hats.
Paul: Are you dying?
Quinns: Even better! Remember my positive review of Quadropolis (pictured above)? Days of Wonder has just announced the first expansion for it. Quadropolis: Public Services will see a selection of buildings laid out between rounds like a concrete chocolate box, and whether you select a fire station or get stuck with a convention centre, it’ll change how you score.
Paul: Quinns, I’m just going to stop you there. We’re going to go LIVE to this site’s resident Quadropolis expert for some analysis.
Paul: I did. What’s the world coming to?
Quinns: I don’t know, but I know we can’t stand for it.
Quinns: ...Paul, did you turn on the TV over the weekend?
Paul: No, I got the weirdest feeling that it would be rather like blasting a jet of pure sadness square at my own face.
Quinns: Right. Yes.
Paul: No, no. Dispirited. Crenelated. Crepuscular. My prandicle is absquatulate.
Quinns: Good God, that’s our SEO ruined, for sure. Perhaps you’ll be emboldened by THIS wonderful news. SHERLOCK HOLMES CONSULTING DETECTIVE IS GETTING SWOLE because the first(?!) standalone expansion is ALMOST HERE
Paul: OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO EXPLODE
Quinns: HAVE YOU FINISHED THE ORIGINAL TEN CASES YET
Quinns: ME EITHER