Games for Two 8 - Shut Up & Sit Down

Review: Jaipur

Brendan: Quinns? QUINNNNS. Where is he? He’s always late. Once again I have five crates of the finest Indian silks sitting in front of me, ready to buy — ready for transport! — and once again I can’t do anything with them because Quinns is late. He’s the one with all the camels! He should know by now to be ready! Where could he be?

Quinns [panting]: Sorry. Sorry! Whoo. Sorry.

Brendan: Just tell me you have the camels.

Quinns: Oh no, I traded those camels in ages ago. But don’t worry because – look! We have all these leather rags now.

Brendan: Hang on. Since when do you and I work as merchants in India, perched atop teetering camels, our saddlebags overflowing with rubies and saffron? I mostly remember us uploading penis jokes to the internet.

Quinns: This is a written review of Jaipur, Brendan! Anything is possible!

Matt Lees: Paul, do you like temples?

Paul Dean: I don’t really know much about temples and I don’t come across them much in Lewisham. The last templeish thing I saw was the Grand Lodge of the Freemasons in San Francisco. It had some pretty unusual sculptures outside and I was too scared to go in, so I took some photos really quickly and then scurried off.

Matt: How many points do you think it was worth?

Paul: Pardon?

Matt: How many points? How many levels was it? Are they winning?

Paul: Oh I get it, this is a Babel review.

The more we play it, the more we feel that Living Card Game Android: Netrunner is one of the greatest things happening in table gaming right now. A deadly, tense game that evolves every single month, with players around the world panicking and giggling over new data packs.

Following on from Quinns’ review, we thought we’d finish our coverage with a Let’s Play. But not just any Let’s Play. Here, Quinns walks Matt through his very first game, which we hope (together with the hypnotising official tutorial) should give you all the encouragement you need to get started.

Look how easy it is! …To end up dead at your computer! But also, to have a lovely time. If you do decide to get involved, Terminal7‘s the Netrunner podcast you want, you’ll find those fancy tokens here, and Meteor is your online deckbuilder tool. Good luck, everybody.

Review: 1960: The Making of the President

[We’re very sorry.

Unfortunately, this week, we’re not able to give you a new video. We were planning to post another Opener, one of Matt’s friendly introductions to both gaming and cooking, but circumstances have thrown us, as Matt explains:]

Matt: Hello there, Openerererers! I’m sad to say that this month’s unlikely blend of a board game review & cookery lesson has been slapped in the chops by recent events involving an awful internet misogynist. Everything is perfectly A-OK and fine, but sadly I haven’t had the time or the energy to make an Opener that I’m happy to share with you lovely sorts. The positive feedback I’ve had for the show so far has been lovely, and I’ll be back on track in no time at all. Sorry to have hit an irritating speedbump, and I’ll see you all inside my creepy cardboard box soon. In the meantime, here’s one of SU&SD’s least well-known reviews and, for good measure, a video of me attempting to make a full English breakfast calzone as part of a misguided bet.

[Our apologies for not being able to deliver. We tried to see if we could rush a replacement, but Paul is hosting a flat-full of guests all week and Quinns is away in the US. We hope that those of you who haven’t seen our sepia-toned, studio-style review of 1960: The Making of the President enjoy it. We’ll be back on schedule next week.]

[Everybody, please give a warm welcome to Matt Drake of stellar review site Drake’s Flames. Matt’s going to be dropping by from time to time with reviews of giddier board games than we usually cover- think miniatures, dice and prolonged whooping.

In other words, it’s his job to make sure SU&SD doesn’t disappear up its own bottom. Take it away, Matt!]

In the future, sporting events will be part displays of athletic prowess and part gladiator death matches. You will be able to watch your favorite player dodge past the defense to score a magnificent shot on the goal, and then you can watch your OTHER favorite player grab that first guy by the scrotum and throw him like a frisbee. This sport of the future will be called DreadBall, and it will be awesome.

[Last month saw an argument between Quinns and Matt Thrower, our resident wargamer, over Here I Stand, a game of reformation-era revolution. It might be the nerdiest thing we’ve ever published. This month, we present the debate’s thrilling conclusion! All images in this article are courtesy of BoardGameGeek.]

Quinns: Matt, slow down! I’d never have guessed that a militaristic, paranoid, survivalist maniac would have a house riddled with secret passageways!

Thrower: Don’t forget the booby traps. Have you been treading where I tread?

Quinns: What?

Thrower: Ah, here we are! The heart of my house.

Quinns: It looks like a panic room. Except with a map of the world and… a big, red button?

Thrower: Naturally! It’s a room dedicated to my favourite game. Doesn’t every gamer have one? In my case, the game is Twilight Struggle, a card-driven recreation of the cold war and nuclear Armageddon. And, much as I hate to stand with the mainstream, it’s not just me that feels that way. It’s currently the number one ranked game on the global graveyard of game statistics, BoardGameGeek.

Mage Wars, the entirely straight-faced “Customisable Game of Dueling Mages”, was one of the most exciting releases of last year. We were never going to be finished with it following our quick impressions article. Quinns has done the right thing and published a full, red-blooded review over on Eurogamer, and it goes like this:

“Make no mistake. This isn’t just a great card game. It’s one of the best two-player games I’ve ever played. It’s at once a puzzle strong enough to leave you thinking about it when you go to sleep, and also profoundly human. Mage Wars gets the most out of the human opponent, because of its emphasis on surprise, countering and predicting.”

It also features a very good joke about a staff meeting. Go read! WIZARD! Ahem.

Review: Netrunner - Creation and Control

Quinns: It’s no secret that we think Android: Netrunner is the collectible game right now. When I started playing it, I was seduced by the asymmetrical concept- one player as the glittering corporation, the other as a tiny hacker with cards as mundane as energy drinks and quality time with your partner. Since then, it’s the comedic tension of the game that’s kept me involved. Each new datapack of cards is filled not just with possibility, but comedy. I laugh as I leaf through these things. “Oh no,” I whisper, grinning. “Oh, no.“

So you can imagine how excited I was yesterday! The release of the first “deluxe” expansion, Creation and Control, containing 3 copies each of 55 new cards. The same evening I ended up taking two sets to the safehouse of my Netrunner nemesis for a good debugging. Here’s what we found out.

Quinns: Finally, after six months of waiting and countless allusions on the podcast,
Android: Netrunner is back in stock and OUR REVIEW IS HERE. Click here to head over to the mighty Eurogamer.

Oh, and what a surprise! It’s the best collectible card game we’ve ever played.

“Here’s a game defined by inescapable tension. Playing as either side, you’re always able to make grim estimates of how far you are from victory, while the other player could win at any point. Worse, even the most lovingly crafted deck will often feel like a second antagonist. Both sides need programs, yes, and events and resources, but you’ll need money for all of those, and so sitting down to play Netrunner absolutely feels like you’ve taken a seat under a sword of Damocles that you’ve fastened there yourself.”

Oooh, yes. We like this one. Go read!

I’m actually playing in a Netrunner tournament with some friends this Sunday. We’ve all agreed not to look online for tips, but I wonder if we had anyone keen to give me NBN tips in the audience… ?

We’re HUGE Star Wars fans here at SU&SD. Phasers! Klingons. The holodeck. We just can’t get enough!

So what will Quinns make of Star Wars: The Card Game? How will it compare to the new X-Wing Miniatures Game (our old review of which is here)? Who’s this Dark Side Quinns? And hang on what HELL is going on with THAT ENDING

QUINNS. WE NEED TO HAVE WORDS.

Review: Jaipur

Review: Babel

SU&SD Play… Android: Netrunner

Review: 1960: The Making of the President

Review: DreadBall

Review: Twilight Struggle

Review: Mage Wars

Review: Netrunner – Creation and Control

Review: Netrunner

Review: Star Wars: The Card Game

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