War Games 4 - Shut Up & Sit Down

Review: BattleLore

Battle Lore! Battle or…? Battle Lore!

This week, Paul seems to have found exactly the sort of game that would appeal to his twelve-year-old self, a game of magic and monsters, of hexes and strategy. Battle Lore is Fantasy Flight’s attempt at an easily-digestible miniatures wargame, the kind of thing where you slaughter an army in an afternoon and still have time for biscuits.

But is that going to be your sort of thing? The game, we mean, not the biscuits. After all, Battle Lore may have a bigger, bolder relative whose company you might well prefer…

Apologies for the lateness of this, everybody! Sometimes the internet is a very slow thing, but we don’t give up easy.

EDIT: It seems we have a problem with the right sound channel. An audio fix is on its way!

ANOTHER EDIT: The audio should be behaving better now. Sorry about that!

We’ve got some continuity to sort out after last week’s sci-fi special, but let’s sort out another bit of continuity first.

Almost two years ago Quinns sat down to write this review of the X-Wing Miniatures Game core set. Today, Paul joins him in the stifling cockpit of internet television for a review of the game proper.

HUGE thanks to our fans at Industrial Light & Magic for providing that intro sequence. We were skeptical at first when they asked for literally all of our donation money, but the results speak for themselves.

Enjoy, everybody!

So Mars is under attack from Reiner Knizia, right, and Team SU&SD are the only ones who can stop him. We also welcome back Susie Pumfsk, and Brendan is an alien!

Look, don’t ask questions. Basically we had too much sugar and when we regained our senses we’d filmed this extra-special episode, featuring reviews of Infamy, Time’n’Space AND Rex: Final Days of an Empire, with time to spare for a re-review of Netrunner (original review here).

Huge thanks to Rachel Leipacher for her vocal stylings and to Team Covenant for their sexy Netrunner footage. And everybody, beware of Knizia. Even if some of his games are suspiciously good, he’s still out there. Watching. Waiting. Mathsing.

Thanks so much, everybody!

(Donor note! This is the second of our super-videos, promised in the stretch goals of our first donation season. Did you miss the first, our Megagame Special? Definitely don’t miss that! That would be awful. — Team SU&SD)

UPDATE: It had to happen eventually. We got one of the rules for Warhammer Diskwars partially wrong. We played the game again with the correct rules and you can find how that went here, though it didn’t change Quinns’ mind hugely. Apologies to everyone involved!

Today Quinns takes Warhammer: Diskwars out for a spin, the thinnest miniatures wargame a round. But will it be flippin’ great? Or wheely bad? Or just worth giving a quick whirl? We have to know! The world revolves around board games, after all.

OK, that’s all I got. And something tells me I’m still going to get shown up in the comments.

Matt Lees: Paul, do you like temples?

Paul Dean: I don’t really know much about temples and I don’t come across them much in Lewisham. The last templeish thing I saw was the Grand Lodge of the Freemasons in San Francisco. It had some pretty unusual sculptures outside and I was too scared to go in, so I took some photos really quickly and then scurried off.

Matt: How many points do you think it was worth?

Paul: Pardon?

Matt: How many points? How many levels was it? Are they winning?

Paul: Oh I get it, this is a Babel review.

Paul: Hey Matt! Sorry to call unannounced. How are you? You’re looking well!

Thrower: What do you want?

Paul: Oh. I did kind of stop by to ask you a .. favour?

Thrower: I told you I could attach the beaks, I couldn’t take them off again.

Paul: NO! It’s that, well, you and I have been playing a lot of these wargames, and I …

Thrower: You’re enjoying them?

Paul: Is that it? Yes! I’m enjoying them. The strategy’s so absorbing, the theme so transporting. I was hoping you might be able to perhaps suggest a few I could try with people who aren’t … you?

Arriving like a shimmering meteorite of steely ludic logic, Quantum is landing in shops now! It’s got dice. It’s got spaceships (which are dice). It has scientific research (which is another die). It even models the psychological size of your galactic race as you scream and smash your way around deep space (using, yep, another die).

Is Quantum pushing the boundaries of what dice can do? Or is it just like my one gross uncle who has pickles for every meal? It’s time… for the review.

Quinns: Heya Matt. What’cha reading?

Matt: It’s Second World War Infantry Tactics by Stephen Bull. An excellent introduction to the infantry doctrine adopted by the antagonists of that famous conflict. I picked it up because it’s listed in the bibliography of this game, Band of Brothers: Ghost Panzer.

Quinns: Oh my god! UNDEAD TANKS?

Matt: …No. Ghost Panzer is the sequel to Band of Brothers: Screaming Eagles which was about the 101st Airborne of televisual fame. This one concerns the exploits of the 11th Panzer on the Eastern Front, and they get their name from the spectral stencil they sprayed on their vehicles. It’s all in the bibliography.

Quinns: A game with a bibliography? It’s not the sexiest of selling points, but what the hell! Let’s play!

Matt: No.

Quinns: What?

Paul: Hey Matt! Quinns and the others are going down the pub and they asked me … well, they didn’t ask, exactly, but I thought you might get … erm, wanna come?

Thrower: No. Can’t you see I’m working?

Paul: Is that a ledger? Are you an ACCOUNTANT? I presumed you lived on secret backhanders from the Pentagon. What’s this game here?

Thrower: That’s A Distant Plain. It’s got solo rules, so I was hoping to play during my break. But I think I made a poor choice.

Paul: How so? It isn’t very good?

Thrower: I wouldn’t say that. But let’s step back. A Distant Plain is a game about the 2001 invasion of Afghanistan and its ongoing consequences. In this, it’s an astonishing rarity. Politics isn’t generally done in board games which, when you consider it, is an appalling dereliction of duty. These are social games, things you drink beer and chat over instead of hunched on the sofa, half-dressed, shivering and alone before a flickering flatscreen.

Paul: Matt, of all the things I might expect to find in the center of your house, a tranquil Japanese water garden wasn’t high on the list.

Thrower: An old, silent pond. A frog jumps into the pond. Splash! Silence again.

Paul: What? Where? I don’t see any frogs. I hate frogs. I had an experience once as a child where, in my shorts, I f-

Thrower: It’s a haiku, you great galumphing gajin. This is my garden of tranquility where I retreat occasionally, from the furious violence of my day-to-day life, to meditate. Some people find peace and focus in the ancient game of Go. But personally I find it intensely pointless and profoundly annoying. So instead I’m playing its nearest wargame equivalent, Sekigahara.

Paul: Oh, bless you. Here’s a handkerchief.

Review: BattleLore

Review: The X-Wing Miniatures Game

The Second Sci-Fi Special

Review: Warhammer Diskwars

Review: Babel

The Very Best Introductory Wargames!

Review: Quantum

Review: Ghost Panzer

Review: A Distant Plain

Review: Sekigahara

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