Matt Lees - Shut Up & Sit Down

GAMES NEWS! 22/06/20

Tom: Tickets are now available to purchase for the first Games News Gig. Our genre is cardboard and our instruments are words. Join us for a little ditty we like to call ‘The Games News This Week, On The 22nd of June 2020’. It’s going to be OUT THERE.

Ava: Give me a second, I need to look up a very, very, very, niche reference.

Tom: I’ll do a sound check. Let’s play that old classic – ‘The Stream Schedule For The Next Two Weeks Starting On The 22nd of June 2020, Also’.

And a one, and a two, and a one two three four TUUUUESDAY!! PLAYIN’ GLOOMHAYyYY(ven jaws of the lion) THEN THURSDAYYYY!! PLAYIN’ (an rpg called Mothership episode two, catch up on the first episode live on youtube today) TAKE IT AWAY, AVA!

Ava: I’ve lost the words!!

Tom: Huh. I guess we’ll just have to improvise when we get there.

Ava: This one’s for Brian Jones and all the other dinosaurs that got kicked out of the band! 1-2-3-4!

Tom: NEEEEEEEWWWWSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Tom: Hey there, reader. Are you excited by news? Do you like boardgames? Do you want to make a fortune through-

Ava: What are you doing.

Tom: Shh! Let me finish my pitch.

…As I was saying – you, the reader, stand to gain cardboard riches beyond compare. How? Well, it’s as simple as the power of positive thinking, and SU&SD’s patented Pear-Shaped Marketing Scheme.

Ava: You’re not meant to tell them the SHAPE of the scheme! They’ll put the pieces together!

Tom: But that’s just the shape of the company! You hired me and Mart, and now I’m hiring the… wait… a moment… Is this a pyra-

Ava: STREAM SCHEDULE! We all love the stream schedule and there is nothing shady to be discovered within it. This week, Matt will be deviating from boardgames to play some Slay The Spire on Tuesday, and then Matt and Tom will duke it out in Dice Throne on Thursday. Then, next week, we’ve got some real corkers – we’ll be playing some Gloomhaven Jaws of the Lion on Tuesday, and continuing through MOTHERSHIP on Thursday. Isn’t that all so exciting! Follow our Twitch page now, and you’ll never miss a show. Until you obviously, ineviatably do.

Tom: Ava, it’s so exciting that I’ve forgotten whatever I was just talking about. It’s so exciting that YOU should be a part of it, reader! You just have to mail your entire boardgame collection to the Shut Up and Sit Down offices and soon you’ll be working your way up the corporate ladder that we call home.

Ava: There’s just too much news, Tom.

Tom: Yes, but most of that isn’t actually about games is it.

Ava: I know, but it feels super weird to be focussed on one narrow stream of stuff when so much huge other stuff is happening.

Tom: How about this. We’ll pick a few fruits from the kickstarter tree, oggle a few upcoming intrigues, then try and be thoughtful and highlight some good work, good links, and ways to help?

Ava: Maybe a teensy bit of stream promotion first? Just a wee dram to get the cockles warm?

Tom: A little stream promotion; as a treat.

So! All stream donations/subs for the next month are going to Black Lives Matter and the Stephen Lawrence Trust – so your regular scheduled boardgame buffoonery now comes with a small side of potential positive change. This Tuesday we’re playing Oceans with Dominic Crapuchettes, and on Thursday we’re going to be playing MOTHERSHIP – a roleplaying game! Imagine! That will feature myself, Ava, Matt and Pip and I’m super excited for it. Then, next week, we’ll be playing Dice Throne on Tuesday and [something else] on Thursday! Tune in, it’s always a cosy time.

Ava: Come on, come on! That games news needs to be piping hot when it goes to the serving hatch or table four is going to send it right back! Have you chopped those opinions yet? Peeled the puns? How’s the reckon roux reducing? Have you even basted the takes?

Tom: Oh darn, I’ve made a ramble roux instead; and these takes are absolutely underdone, let alone properly basted! I’m going as fast as I can, chef, but we really need a news potwash – I’m still doing the dishes from last week!

Ava: Gah! Do I have to do everything myself? Please tell me that you’ve at least properly prepped the stream schedule?

Tom: Yes Chef! Tuesday we’re serving a seafood course – a pan-fried Oceans with guest chef Dominic Crapuchettes, and on Thursday we’ve got some survival space food courtesy of Galaxy Trucker with Matt and Tom! Then next week? Tuesday sees us crunching some cuboid croutons floating in joke soup – hastily whipped up by Matt and Tom over some delicious Dice Throne. And then Thursday has us sitting down to the main course! MOTHERSHIP! A LIVE RPG WITH TEAM SU&SD!

Ava: You let the goof slip a little at the end there.

Tom: It’s just too exciting, chef!

Mart Leez: is it time for news? I’m always up for newsing the news, but I’m worried my newses might be sad news or old news. There’s plenty more news in the sea. You salty newsdog. News of the World is my favourite Queen album. There’s no news without fire! I’m tired.

Ava: I think it might be time to put Mart to bed. Maybe you should read its favourite bedtime story. You know, the one about what streaming is happening over the next two weeks.

Tom: Ah yes, let me get that one down from the shelf. It’s called ‘This Tuesday We’ll Be Playing Fugitive with Tim Fowers, then on Thursday Matt will be playing some solo Print and Plays’. After that we could read the sequel? That one is called ‘Next Tuesday it’s Oceans with Dominic Crapuchettes.

Ava: Classic titles, one and all. Goodnight, sweet Mart. You were such a convenient joke.

Tom: I’ll get the pillow.

Ava: Hey everybody! It’s time for some news! Probably the biggest (games) news of the last week has been the most grimly inevitable. Yup, it’s official that both Gen Con and Essen Spiel are not going to happen this year, at least not in their traditional form.

Matt: Hello! Before I hand over to my fictional robotic counterpart, I just wanted to point your attention towards the home of the new unofficial Shut Up & Sit Down forum. We unfortunately had to shut down the servers we were running ourselves, but we wish the new forum all of the best and would highly recommend getting over there for a good old gander – they really are a very lovely bunch. And without further ado, here’s a robot with my face and voice:

Mart Leez: This Tuesday, we’ve got Wingspan with Elizabeth Hargrave, and on Thursday Tom and Matt will be playing some “board games”! Then, next Tuesday, Matt will be playing some Fugitive with Tim Fowers, and having a cosy print-and-play session on Thursday. That’s all from me, your favourite LeesCorp information dispenser. Have a pleasant week!

Tom: Huh. It seems a lot more sprightly this week. Guess the repairs worked after all – I was worried that we’d have to naturally end Mart’s character arc after a slow degradation through relentless employee abuse. But hey – seems like it really is a ‘joke too convenient to kill’.

Ava: I guess that’s the benefit of having complete authorial power over a fictional construct.

Mart Leez: You know I can hear you, right?

Tom: Back in your box, Mart, there’s a news going on.

Mart Leez: STREAM SCHEDULE. LORDS OF VEGAS WITH MIKE SELINKER: TUESDAY 12.05. FORGOTTEN WATERS WITH ISAAC VEGA: THURSDAY 14.05. WINGSPAN WITH ELIZABETH HARGRAVE TUESDAY 19.05. MISC. GAMES AND CHILLIN’ THURSDAY 21.05.

Ava: What on earth happened to Mart?

Tom: I’ve no idea, it looks like maybe taking an axe to it was a bad idea? It appears to be in some kind of safe mode.

Ava: Once we had a friend, now we have a spreadsheet. Oh woe is Mart, noblest LeesCorp employee, and the running joke too convenient to kill.

Tom: I’ve got a screwdriver, some duct tape and a spare liver in cold storage. I’ll see if we can keep it trucking on until we require its services once more.

Ava: Wait, whose liver have you got?

Time Captain: help

Tom: ONWARDS TO THE NEWS.

Mart Leez: Peoplethings! If you need a scheduled entertainment respite phase in and around your mandatory working and/or worrying hours, then fear not! Well actually, fear just a little. Our stream this Tuesday featuring Isaac Vega and the much talked-about Forgotten Waters has been pushed back until next Thursday, May 14th – but we’ll be live this Thursday with Ava, Quinns and The Real Matt Lees for a live game of Hansa Teutonica! Lock up your wooden discs, it’s all kicking off!

Ava: Mart, you can’t just start the news off by yelling at the peoplethings! We try to ease in with a gentle bit of repartee. Some bon mots, and at least one compound news-word. We’re a respectable news outlet, not some kind of angry town crier.

Tom: Ava, that’s bobbins. We just write the news and then come back here and blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

Ava: Maybe, but we don’t shout.

Mart Leez: Apologies for the incorrectly pitched thought-velocities. I will try to bon up my mots for next week, and if there’s space I’ll pop a repartee up there as well. How’s this as a sample? “Hello Readers and welcome to the news-bike. We’ll be peddling this all the way through news-ville dispatching news-bundles into the laps of the populace, waiting and ready for their news-breakfast”

Tom: Ava, I have to kill it. It knows too much.

Ava: I’ll get the axe.

Mart Leez: 🙁

Ava: Spielworxx continues to be my go-to for impossibly heavy games with ridiculously particular themes, and they certainly don’t appear to be slowing that down.

Tom: … and then once both of your time tokens reach the end of the track, the game is over! You’ll score based on the number of buttons you have left, and any empty spaces on your quilt will be scored negatively.

Mart Leez: When do I eat the buttons?

Ava: Mart, for goodness sake, if you’re going to be part of the team you’ll need to understand Patchwork, at least. We’ve been trying to teach you for a whole week, I’m starting to thi-

Mart Leez: Hello to the folks at home! This week we’ve got an exciting bunch of streams for you, fresh from the LeesCorp streampipe-

Tom: Ava why is it doing that

Mart Leez: This week we’ve got the final part of the Gloohaven stream, where the original LeesCorp drone will continue its sisyphean task, compiling the box in which it will eventually be buried. Tune in on Tuesday! Then, later in the week, we’ll be testing the machine-learning capabilities of our other models by continually achieving consensus. That’s right, it’s Wavelength with SU&SD, live on Thursday!

Ava: …

Tom: …

Mart Leez: Can I eat the buttons yet?

Ava: … that’s enough of Mart for today… Let’s power you down and get on with the news.

Quinns: Shut Up & Sit Down is always experimenting. That means having to consider and reconsider which areas of the site are best serving us and our community.

While the Shut Up & Sit Down Discord, along with the Disqus comments under all of our articles and pages, remain places for folks to meet one another and connect, we’re announcing the closure of our hosted SU&SD forums on May 8th.

Matt: We’re immensely proud of all of the friendships and play-by-forum games that the forums have hatched over the years, to say nothing of the glitz and glamour of the Pearple’s Choice Awards – which we’ll keep hosting on the main site, and give it more prominence here in the future.

There are so many great memories to be found there, and we’d love to make this week a celebration of that fun. Why not post your favourite threads in the comments below?

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