Ava: Welcome back to our weekly dive into the pages of the Shut Up & Sit Down Chronicle. Only the hottest news makes the pages of your most finger-smudging paper, guaranteed.
Quinns: In hindsight, I really don’t know why chose that as our promise.
Ava: It’s only natural to want to leave a mark.
Ava: This week we’re taking a deeper dive than usual into the opinions section, as well as some of those grubby adverts in the back.
Which is to say, today’s news is mostly think-pieces and kickstarters, and we think that’s okay.